Rushing 14 times for 51 yards may not get you a lot in this life, but it will get you one thing. What is this one thing you ask? It is none other than the NFL Average All Star of the Week (NFLAASOTW) award. That is exactly what Melvin Gordon of the Chargers did this past weekend in his team's 31-14 loss to the Vikings. Not only did he average 3.6 yards per carry, but he also recorded zero catches on one target. Gordon woke up, packed his cold-cut sandwich lunch, and turned in a performance that will only be remembered by people like myself who appreciate total normality.
Gordon was humbled when he heard about receiving this prestigious award, "I knew I had a chance at the NFLAASOTW when I looked at my stats midway through the game, but I didn't even think I would be the frontrunner for this award from my own team! I almost feel guilty when you have guys like Stevie Johnson (3 catches, 46 yards) and John Phillips (4 catches, 35 yards, 3 hot dogs consumed) out there who turned in absolute granola bar performances. I would like to thank my family and all of my past coaches."
Unfortunately for lovers of perennial averageness like myself, winning this award does not guarantee future mediocrity. Last week's winner, Chris Johnson, notched 150 total yards and 2 touchdowns in his first performance since winning the inaugural NFLAASOTW. Johnson could not be reached for comment because I did not want to talk to someone who refuses to acknowledge their roots like that.
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