Goodell Replaced by Potato

In a move made on late Monday night, the NFL has decided to officially part ways with Commissioner Roger Goodell. Sources believe the move was made likely because of Goodell's mishandling of various disciplinary issues. A statement from the NFL said, "We are very appreciative of the time and effort Mr. Goodell put towards our league. However, the decision made tonight is what is best for the future well-being of the National Football League."

Shortly after Goodell was let go, it was announced that he would be replaced by a potato.  Director of Football Development Matt Birk called the move "necessary" and had nothing but positive things to say about the change, "This isn't just some ordinary potato we got here. It is one straight from Idaho, so you know it's the real deal. We look forward to seeing where the potato will take us as the leader of America's favorite sport." 

The potato could not be reached for comment because it is a potato.

Indianapolis Colts Demand NFL to Give Out Participation Trophies

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay announced early Thursday morning that he has started the movement towards giving each NFL player a Participation Trophy at the conclusion of each NFL season. Said Irsay, "I'm sure I echo the thoughts of many other owners when I say that our team has worked too gosh darn hard to go home empty handed at the end of each season." Reports state that Irsay knocked on Commissioner Roger Goodell's office door for three straight hours before he could talk about the Participation Trophy dilemma.

(Above is the first of many trophy designs proposed by Irsay)

In a press conference, Commissioner Goodell stated that "Mr. Irsay made some pretty solid points in favor of handing out those trophies. Nobody can look me in the eye and tell me a guy like Coby Fleener, someone who works his tail off each day in practice, shouldn't be taking home some hardware at the end of the day." While discussions about switching the league from tackle to flag football were put on the back burner in the meeting between Irsay and Goodell, the NFL is expected to implement the Participation Trophy idea at the end of the upcoming 2015 season.

Harang and Phillies Defeat Braves, 5-2

Aaron Harang threw 6 innings of 1 run ball on Monday to help Philadelphia reach double-digit wins. The veteran right-hander credited his "perfectly toasted English muffin" that he ate during his usual pre-game routine. "Sometimes I'll leave it in the toaster too long which leads to a burnt E-muffin, and that usually means it's going to be an ugly day on the mound for me. I also substituted butter for strawberry jam as my topping, so maybe that helped too. I don't know," Harang was quoted as saying post-game. 

On the opposing side, Atlanta Braves first basemen Freddie Freeman enjoyed a tepid day at the plate (1-4, RBI, 2 LOB). "When I flied out to left in the first inning, I was actually thinking about Manny Pacquiao's shoulder injury during the entire at-bat," said Freeman. With the loss, the Braves fell to 12-14 and the Phillies narrowed the gap between the two teams in the standings by improving to 10-17.

Craig Counsell Hired by Brewers, Become New Title Favorite

After a 7-18 start, the Milwaukee Brewers decided to part ways with Manager Ron Roenicke and bring in Craig Counsell to coach up the squad. Despite having no prior coaching experience, Counsell is sure to use his vast knowledge that he gathered up from his 16-year big league career. "If these little dweebs think this season is a lost one, then I'll be sure to kick those pansies to the curb. It's time to go to work you sissies," Counsell was quoted as saying at his introductory press conference. 

The Brew Crew had no sense of moxie in them during the first month of the season, and Counsell is sure to change that during his tenure. First basemen Adam Lind was especially excited when asked about the move, "Being able to learn from a future Hall of Famer on a daily basis is going to be pretty neat. I just hope I don't get too starstruck out there in the field while I glance over at our dugout." VegasInsider.com listed the Milwaukee Brewers at 250/1 odds to win the 2015 World Series at the beginning of the season. After the hiring of Counsell, they were moved to 2/1 odds to win it all with 5/1 odds of finishing the rest of the season undefeated.