Before I start this post, I must point out something my 10 year-old self never noticed before. Why is Pablo Sanchez in the stands on this game's cover? Are you really trying to tell me Pablo deserves to sit on the sidelines amongst the likes of Marky "Look Ma, No Socks" Dubois and Maria "My Way or the Highway" Luna? Even if he were sitting this game out, I would bet all of the money in the world that he would not be smiling and cheering on the other players. He would be taking BP until his hands fell off, so he would never have to sit out another inning for as long as he lived. The people at Humongous Sports goofed up big time on this one. Also, Stephanie Morgan behind the plate and not somewhere in the infield? SMH.
----------------------------------------------------------
Whenever the MLB playoffs are in full swing, I am always reminded of the days of Wiffle and baseball games with the ragtag group of individuals that formed my neighborhood. Maybe me and some of my friends were complete weirdos, but we were not just imitating superstars like Ken Griffey Jr. and Mark Bellhorn out there. We were also doing our best impressions of Pablo Sanchez and Jorge Garcia in the batter's box.
When you grow up in New England during the time that we did, it was almost impossible to not fall in love with baseball. The rivalry was at its peak. The curse came to an end. Bill Mueller won the batting title. We may not have realized it while it was happening, but we were being spoiled by the high-intensity and excitement-filled baseball that was being played right near us. However, there was one thing that put a damper on our love of baseball at the time: the harsh Winter seasons. How did we deal with the absence of the MLB while the frigid cold and countless blizzards surrounded us? Backyard Baseball, or course. The game served as my babysitter at times. It taught me life lessons. It molded me into the average journeyman college reliever I became.
When I first thought of the idea to do these power rankings, I did a quick search online to see if it had been done before. I immediately noticed that the great people over at CespedesFamilyBarbeque.com had already done this. I was crushed. I felt as if I had missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime by becoming the first person to rank all of the 30 Backyard Baseball players. However, after I read their article (which was great by the way) I was in disbelief at some of their rankings. Anyone who thinks Annie Frazier is a superior player to Achmed Khan is just BEGGING to be destroyed by the Blue Melonheads in the playoffs. Amir Khan, one of the most promising young prospects to have ever stepped foot on the Parks Dept. #2 field, should not be ranked behind Lisa Crockett. I still highly recommend checking out their rankings if you are a fan of Backyard Baseball (which I assume you are if you are still reading this). However if you enjoy winning championship rings like I do, you will follow my rankings.
It is important to understand that Backyard Baseball is a game dominated by offense. Being a good pitcher is great and all, but it's going to be hard finding playing time on my squad if you cannot hit. Basically, I always took the same approach the Red Sox did in this past offseason which was finding the best bats the market had to offer. This obviously does not work in actual baseball, but it sure as hell does when you're playing at Steele Stadium. Having an ace that can go 6 innings is very valuable, but that ace can also be an automatic out at the plate. It has been scientifically proven that chicks dig the long ball, so you need to produce at the plate. It is better and also very manageable to find 3 players that can pitch 2 solid innings at a time that can also hit the bejesus out of the baseball. It is absolutely PIVOTAL that you understand this concept if you want to manage a top-knotch BB team.
I have put the players into three categories. The first category is for the Studs. These are the players that you can build your franchise around. Anyone in this category cannot be left off your team. If you are a somewhat serviceable Backyard Baseball player, you will find a way to put up monster numbers with these players. This is an elite category and only a select few are in it. The second category is for Utility Players. These are the players that do some great things on the diamond, but also have some glaring weaknesses. They are players that I have inked to contracts in the past, but I have also left off of some championship rosters. The third category is for the Scrubs. These players should be nowhere near your roster. Whether it is because of character issues or a blatant absence of skill, any one of these players can single-handedly prevent your team from winning a ballgame.
The Studs
1. Pete Wheeler
Ranking Wheeler ahead of Sanchez is a decision I am willing to defend to my grave. He may be less intelligent than a stapler, but any scout cannot deny the raw ability of this guy. If he wanted to, he could get on a base at will because of his unmatched speed. If Wheeler hit the ball on the ground, he was getting reaching first safely 12 times out of 10. He could run circles around guys like Billy Hamilton, but he could also hit the ball just as far as Nelson Cruz. His speed gave him enough range to cover the entire outfield at Eckman Acres. He was also a good clubhouse guy due to his easygoing and carefree nature. He never gave off the impression that he thought he was better than anybody else even though he was. Great teammate. Even better player. Stick Pete in your leadoff spot, and just go from there. You won't regret it.
2. Pablo Sanchez
Whenever someone brings up this game in conversation, Pablo's name is usually the first one mentioned. He is mentioned first for good reason too. To quote his player bio, he can "steal bases like Lou Brock, catch fly balls like Willie Mays, and hit homers like Reggie Jackson." If someone were to say he was the best in the game, they certainly wouldn't be crazy for doing so. Although he is listed as 9/10 in the Running category, he is lightyears behind Wheeler in terms of speed. Pablo may have more power at the dish, but the difference in hitting abilities between the two isn't that noteworthy. On the mound, they are comparable guys that can string together an inning or two for you in relief. Pablo may be a 10/10 fielder, but his height can really come back to haunt you sometimes in the field. I can recall many times when Pablo was playing in the infield for me, and throws would just sail over his head. Anyone who wants to be considered the best cannot be that questionable in the field for me. Sure if the ball was hit to him he was making the play, but he lacked the range that Wheeler had. He is also a well-known bad boy that would dish out wedgies/swirleys to rookies in the team locker room. Not exactly the best thing for clubhouse camaraderie. Pablo is certainly a first-ballot HOFer, but I think people need to pump the brakes a bit on the GOAT talk a bit.
P.S.- There are a few parody Pablo Sanchez twitter accounts out there, but I was the first to do it. The other ones bought followers and stole tweets from me. True story. Am I bitter about it? You better believe I am. This happened a few years ago and I just needed a place to vent about it.
3. Kiesha Phillips
Kiesha Phillips brings the combination of size and speed that hasn't been seen in the show since the days of Bo Jackson. She could hit the ball a mile, steal bases with ease, run down fly balls in the gap, and hose runners out from the OF like it was nothing. After typing that out, I think I have now convinced myself that Keisha Phillips is 100% Bo Jackson's daughter. There is nothing anyone else can tell me to prove otherwise. She had no glaring weaknesses. "BUT SHE'S A 4/10 IN PITCHING!" Relax buddy. Flash Phillips is such a gamer that I would have complete confidence in her throwing up a 0 in an inning of relief.
4. Achmed Khan
First and foremost, Achmed Khan was definitely my favorite player in Backyard Baseball. He shared the same birthday as me, hit absolute tater tots, and I imagined he was listening to blink-182 and Jimmy Eat World in his headphones like I was. Achmed was definitely the guy fellow Backyard Baseballers depended on to buy booze for their high school parties. He didn't care for establishment and just played the game he loved at an elite level. Achmed is arguably the best pure hitter in the league, but I had to dock him a few spots in the rankings because he is notorious for zoning out in the middle of games while listening to the Dude Ranch album through his gigantic headphones.
5. Jocinda Smith
People don't refer to you as "MVP" unless you can ball out. Jocinda Smith could BALL OUT. An above-average fielder, Smith can play any position on the diamond and any manager will tell you just how valuable that is. Imagine Ben Zobrist with a much better bat and you got Jocinda Smith. Someone who is constantly near the top of the league in terms of batting average while also playing multiple positions is definitely worthy of being in the top category for these rankings.
The Utility Players
6. Mikey Thomas
Mikey may have been a walking booger, but he could destroy baseballs. He was constantly sick, so your medical team may need to be close to him at all times. Mikey Thomas was described by scouts as being "mentally weak" and "careless," but he was always an absolute pleasure to coach on my teams. He is a middle of the order type of guy that could drive in villages of runs. Despite being lefty, he was a solid catcher for me that was able to throw out almost every person that was stupid enough to steal on him. THE DUDE HAD A CANNON! If you are one of those baseball purists that cannot fathom having a lefty catcher, stick Mikey in one of the corner outfield spots.
7. Amir Khan
I would consider Amir to be the last person on this list that is a true and consistent homer threat. For that, he falls at #7 on my list. He may not be the hitter that Big Brother Achmed is, but he is a better pitcher and will be seeing the bulk of innings for my squad. Unlike his brother, he is a "Yes, Coach" kind of player that will do anything for his squad. He can be a little whiny at times but that's expected when you're a 9 year old playing with a bunch of 12-14 year old ballplayers. My main problem with Amir is how he is so easily influenced by his brother. He would try to mimic his mannerisms on and off the field when he himself was a solid ballplayer. Just be yourself, kid. Rumor has it that he has been recently grounded for smoking cigarettes with Achmed. He swears they were candy cigarettes.
8. Dante Robinson
Dante may not be the big bopper like the players ranked ahead of him, but he is the perfect guy to have turn your lineup over in the 9-hole. His speed allows him to beat out infield singles, and he was more than capable of moving a guy over a base by hitting it on the ground the other way. He paired his speed and range with an above-average glove that allowed him to play all over the field. I often wonder what will happen to Robinson when his metabolism starts to slow down, but for now he can still eat like Joey Chestnut and get it done on the diamond.
9. Angela Delvecchio
There is no denying Sugar Pop's ability on the bump. She is a bonafide ace with great command of a number of pitches. HOWEVER, anyone that has ever played Backyard Baseball will tell you that her 8/10 hitting rating is a total lie. She wasn't a bum at the dish, but there is no way she is a better hitter than Amir Khan. Backyard Baseball does have its flaws, and this ranking is definitely one of them. It is also worth noting the level of confidence Angela has out there due to being a member of the Delvecchio family. She does not shy away from big situations and demands the ball in big games.
10. Luanne Lui
It is a shame that there isn't a bench spot in the BBL because Lui would be perfect for it. She is an on-base machine that could spark a late-inning rally when your team is down. She would be a great pinch-runner if you ever needed to steal a base, but she will hurt you defensively because she plays the game of baseball with a pink teddy bear at all times. Lui might be the most underrated player in the league, and it's a shame she doesn't get the respect she deserves from the general public (and maybe even from myself in these rankings).
11. Sally Dobbs
Sally Dobbs. A jack of all trades. Master of none. Her play on the field isn't anything to write home about, but it's nothing to complain about either. Sally will always have a home in Average Baseball Players Month due to her 7/10 ratings in every category. Sally may have all of the leadership qualities on paper, but it is hard to gain the respect of a clubhouse when you are as mediocre as a piece of toast.
12. Vicki Kawaguchi
Similar to Lui, Vicki Kawaguchi would be a PERFECT bench player. She may be the worst hitter to have ever stepped foot on a baseball field, but Vicki walked up to the batter's box with the grace of a background dancer on the Yeezus tour. In an ideal world, she would be able to come into the game in the last inning or two for Amir Khan at 2B and flash the leather like she was Omar Vizquel. She would also be great in the Dave Roberts role by stealing bases in close ballgames.
13. Ernie Steele
Ernie Steele has a similar lanky build to a young Kevin Durant. When you compare that lengthiness with his superb glove, you got yourself the best defensive first basemen this game has seen since Doug Mientkiewicz. Ernie could also eat up some innings on the mound for you, if necessary. His bat was nothing special and neither was his speed on the basepaths, but he is a big-time jokester (a friendly one) that knows how to ease up the rest of his teammates.
14. Stephanie Morgan
If there is one bit of information that I want you to take away from this, I would like it to be the following: STEPHANIE MORGAN WAS THE MOST OVERRATED PLAYER IN BACKYARD BASEBALL. She was more concerned with looking good for the scouts in the stands than she was with winning a damn ballgame. She is the type of player to walk away from a 10-3 loss happily because she went 2-4 in the game. Anyone that has played baseball will tell you that people like that were nightmares to play with. Nothing was ever her fault either. If she got caught stealing a base, she swears the hit-and-run sign was on. If she made an error at short, it took a bad hop. If she struck out, the sun was in her eyes. It was always something with Stephanie Morgan, and I have had just about enough of her act.
15. Annie Frazier
Annie Frazier was a serviceable hitter, but was she worthy of her 9/10 rating? No way. When you are looking to form a championship squad, you want to comprise it of players that are in it for the long haul. Frazier's lack of protein in her diet is a big-time concern for me. She constantly falls apart late in games. She was never the person you wanted up with 2 outs in the final inning. Sure, she may smack a double in her first AB but she was an easy out late in the ballgame. I'll pass on Frazier.
16. Kenny Kawaguchi
Kenny Kawaguchi is no stranger to adversity. He has displayed a level of perseverance that is unmatched by his peers. I'm shocked there hasn't been a '30 for 30' doc on him yet. Kawaguchi is a guy you would like to have on the mound in a big game, and is probably the second best pitcher behind Angela Delvecchio. However, his performance at the dish is the main reason he's not ranked higher than #16.
17. Tony Delvecchio
While his sister may have been able to walk the walk, Tony was only able to talk the talk. With an undeserved ego, Vec was a guy nobody wanted to be around. While some troublemakers made the whole class abrupt in laughter, there were others that made the class sigh. I'll let you guess what type of troublemaker Tony was. Tony is the kid that dominated T-ball, but when it was time to move on to the big stage he shrunk. There is nothing sadder in life than wasted talent, and Tony is the best that never was.
18. Dmitri Petrovich
If Petrovich had half of the ability that Tony Delvecchio had, he would've found a way to make an all-star game or two. Petrovich had a very high strikeout rate at the plate, but every once in awhile he could get into a ball. I don't know if Matt Stairs was the child brainiac that Petrovich is, but they are both similar "all or nothing" guys at the plate. I would draft him mainly because I needed a stat guy on my team that provided high-quality scouting reports for the other team. I am also 99% certain that Dmitri Petrovich grew up to be Jonah Hill's character in Moneyball.
The Scrubs
19 and 20. The Webber Twins
It is a well-known fact that when these two are paired together, they perform at a much higher level yadda yadda yadda. Who the hell do they think they are? I am not going to waste 2 out of my 9 rosters spots just so you both don't throw a hissy fit. Part of being a good teammate is making sacrifices for others, and they have shown that they cannot do that. What happens when Sidney gets into a better college than you, Ashley? Are you going to force her to stay with you then? The Webber twins can stay far away from my team.
21. Ronny Dobbs
Here we have another guy that can't stand it when he's not paired with their sibling. Where do these BBLers get off? Here's the thing: I actually like Ronny Dobbs as a prospect. He swings hard and shows promise on the mound. There is a lot to like when you see things from the surface, but that changes when you dig into the Ronny Dobbs surface. He lacks discipline at the plate, and is a tattle tale at recess. There are too many 'what-ifs' with him. Ronny Dobbs is two years away from being three years away.
22. Reese Worthington
Reese Worthington is a poor man's Vicki Kawaguchi in that he is a solid runner and fielder who would be a decent bench player. He may be young, but his struggles at the plate show no signs of improving any time soon. Maybe I will think differently once he hits puberty, but for now he is nothing more than a draft and follow guy.
23. Jorge Garcia
Garcia may be just as, if not more, geeky as Dmitri Petrovich, but he is not the same lovable character that he is. I don't know about you, but I always got an arrogant vibe from Jorge Garcia. He was smarter than the other kids, and he wasn't subtle about it. He kind of rubbed it in their faces. That kind of ticked me off TBH. Personal hatred aside, all Jorge Garcia was a positionless player that would run into a ball every once in awhile. His 8/10 Batting rating is entirely too high, and his performance never justified that rating.
24. Billy Jean Blackwood
With a tall, lanky frame similar to Taylor Swift, Blackwood struggled to find a position on the field other than first base. She did not flash the leather like Ernie Steele, and that is shame because otherwise should be a valuable fielding asset with her strong arm. Blackwood was a decent hitter at the plate, but like Jorge Garcia she was not as good as her 8/10 rating said she was. Important side-note: Further research has shown that Marky Dubois had a long-time crush on Blackwood, but she never reciprocated those feelings which ended any potential for a Backyard Baseball power couple.
25. Ricky Johnson
Based off of his ratings, you could easily argue that Ricky Johnson is the worst player in this game. It doesn't feel right to me to rank him as such. It is obvious that baseball is not his best sport, but he has the ability. In Backyard Football, Ricky Johnson shines and I have faith that his athleticism can someday translate to the baseball field. If you can't hit, you gotta be able to run and Ricky has some wheels.
26. Lisa Crockett
We are starting to scrape the bottom of the BBL barrel at this point. Lisa Crocket was a very forgettable player by doing nothing noteworthy on the field. Her being nicknamed "Mad Dog" is sneakily the funniest thing about this game. Usually that nickname is reserved for the high-energy type of players, but they gave it to Crockett. I love it, man.
27. Maria Luna
Maria, you're trying to tell me that you demand the team's uniforms to be pink? You can only make such demands if you possess the same skills as a Keisha Phillips or Jocinda Smith. These BBL players and their egos.... Unbelievable. As far as her skills, she is a great fielder but cannot make the throws. Translation: She is worthless. At the plate, she spins around multiple times like a fool. No thanks.
28. Marky Dubois
Marky is another case of "What If?" What if Billy Jean Blackwood said yes to his multiple ice cream date proposals? Would he have been more relaxed at the plate? Would he have ditched his pet frog that constantly distracted him out in the field? Many unanswered questions with Dubois, but he is simply not talented enough for managers to wait around and see if these questions go answered. He is a lousy player who's only noteworthy achievements are playing with a frog in his pocket and no socks or shoes on his feet.
29. Gretchen Hasselhoff
Hasselhoff's speed or pitching is not good enough to ignore her offensive woes. She is a decent fielder, but she cannot reach the first basemen from second. Most importantly, she NEVER. SHUTS. UP. Nobody loves a little baseball chatter more than me, but Hasselhoff turned something I loved into something I loathed.
"Hey Hasselhoff! Keep it down! Mikey Thomas is trying to hit!" - Achmed Khan, probably.
30. Kimmy Eckman
One thing almost all Backyard Baseball fans can agree on is that Kimmy Eckman is the worst player in the game. If you look at her ratings, it makes you wonder if the people at Humongous Sports forgot to complete her character. Almost every player can do something well, but not Eckman. She is a total bum out there. It must be mentioned that her backyard, Eckman Acres, is a very solid field. Great pitcher's park.
